Motherhood

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about motherhood and what it means to me. I can’t always explain it and over the years with the change in women’s roles I think there’s such a wonderful mash up of parents roles now. But what do I feel, where do I fit in to that, what is motherhood to me? 

Well I am not an alpha mum. I know that, part of me wants to be but I’m most definitely not. I forget parents evenings, we have ‘lazy’ dinners at least once a week. Josh avidly watches crime dramas with me and I still try to get him to eat food he doesn’t like because I like it and refuse to make two dinners.

Josh also swears. Not to anyone other than me or in general conversation but, when he has a bad day I allow him to say as many swear words as he can fit in whilst I count to 10. So sue me. He always ends up laughing and that to me beats keeping it all bottled up.

I’m also definitely not the middle class nurturer. I don’t always buy organic, only if its cheaper, I never breast fed and I gave him wotsits rather than Waitrose organic cheese flavoured puffed corn snacks. Josh went through Asdas own nappies like there was no tomorrow and the thought of cloth nappies made me heave. I agree they’re better for the environment. He got in his own room the second I felt safe enough to do so and on occassion I let him cry through his frustration. Horrid woman aren’t I.

I’m not a hipster mum either. I have little to no natural style and Josh would live in joggers if I have him the chance. I do sometimes think I could grow a beard but that’s going off the subject. 

I love all those bare bones get to the real stuff mummy blogs too. You know the ones where they speak about the kids face-timing nan and showing you having a poo. The sorts where they admit all the gory details. But I don’t feel like I associate with those mums either, because that just is what it is and I’mnot cool enough tobe interesting enough with those moments.

For me I think I’m just Joshs mum.  If I could explain our relationship it would be ‘team’. 

I’ve always been honest with Josh when he asks questions – I respond as openly as I can (within reason) it can make for an awkward moment, like yesterday when he asked me how girls masturbate after all ‘its natural and I’m a girl’ 

We talk quite openly about the world and current events from terrorism to why celebrities are famous. Again, not always easy conversations. 

Josh is pretty self sufficient, with minimal supervision can make a decent meal. I potty trained him with a sticker chart. I drew a road with trees and houses along it, at the end of the road was a toy car. Everytime he went for a wee in the toilet (he never actually liked the potty) he got a sticker, when he got all the way along the road he got the car. He hasn’t used a nappy since the day I stuck the chart on the wall but he loves weeing inthe open air. 

Motherhood to me is embracing your jelly belly whilst doing an exercise DVD and eating a doughnutat the same time as telling your child that its ok to have wobbly bits and to be kind to himself and others about their body. I’m a hypocrite.

Motherhood to me is teaching my son right from wrong, trying to be a role model when I don’t always want to be and I’ve called the school and told them he was poorly whilst he was still asleep just so we could get a duvet day together. Yes it was a long time ago but yes it was needed and the pros outweighed the cons for both of us.

It’s knowingly letting him stay up 20 minutes past his bed time because he thinks I haven’t noticed then, making enough noise in the bathroom so he switches his light off and goes to sleep, feeling as though he’s been a bit rebellious without crossing a line. When really I just love to hear him giggling quietly to himself.

For me motherhood is still taking his socks off super slowly after he’s spent all day on his feet because even though feet gross me out he tips his head back and whispers “ahhh that feels like heaven”

It’s setting limits and helping him break them, its being honest whilst lying to myself, its teaching but mostly learning. Motherhood is the best gig in the world. 

Initially becoming the person responsible for another human being was tiring/exhausting and not exactly pretty but it was also hilarious when I let myself stop trying to fit into the above categories. It was empowering, the first time I genuinely stood up for me with the people who I had been uncomfortable with was because I had become a mother. It continues to educate me in ways I never knew I needed to be educated.

What is motherhood?

To me, motherhood is quite simply everything and the only category we are really in is is the category labelled ‘parent’

Thanks for reading.

A x

Compliments are king

I was feeling sorry for myself, I’m putting weight on left right and centre, I am knackered and I’m pretty sure I’m a bit dense. 

I laughed atmyself when I thought that and it got me thinking about something someone once said to me. I was in a pub with a group of friends and I laughed and my friend, completely inflated to anything else just looked at me and said “your smile is beautiful, your mouth makes the shape of a heart” 

I’m one of those people that struggles to believe a compliment, normally I think they must want something from me but this one was different. It was unprovoked, unexpected and I genuinly felt the truth behind it. It was one of the single most memorable moments of my life and it warms my cockles to this day. I make it a mission of mine to compliment everyone I know as often as I can because that moment made me feel truly beautiful and not in an up myself kind of way just in a genuine and lovely way.

A compliment can go a long way. This one is burned on my heart and I think of it often and feel good. Thank you old friend.

Have you ever received a compliment that is secretly your happy thought?

Make someone’s day tell them something unpromptedly lovely about themselves.

Thanks for reading.

A x

Blogging block

I’m drawing a blank, I have nothing to say or at least I can’t think of how to write or what to write. I’m clueless as to how to give clarity to all the mashed up thoughts in my mind and how to make them something that is worthy reading material.

I have searched online and googled the life out of writers block, what to write in a blog post and all I get is ‘top 100 blog titles’ or morning pages or how to monetise your blog. 

I don’t really want to write anything like that, I just want to write something that feels connected to me and is half readible for you. Hey ho. 

Any tips from you lovely people as to what to do to get the blogging juices flowing or things to write about that are normal everyday things? I just need a little inspiration.

Thanks for reading.

A x

Working at home

Today I am working from home doing all my admin for my employed job. Making calls, checking emails , checking reports and contacting customers, contractors and site teams alike. I am more productive at home but when working from home I can usually be found on the sofa with the laptop and this year I would like to be even more productive. I only have a small house, no spare rooms, small sized rooms and not many nooks and crannies to speak of so I have made a small office space in the corner of my lounge. I have decided that one of the ways I will be more productive is to work from my dedicated office space rather than the sofa so today is my first official run at that. It’s working quite well actually. What would normally take up 2 thirds of my day has taken less than the morning, I am still flitting in terms of things like putting a load of washing on too but I am definitely better organised when I do this.

my little office space
my little office space

What you can see here is my job laptop and my home pc. Behind my PC is my project board. It helps me to focus but I tend not to look at it unless I am physically in front of it. a notepad, printer, various diaries (my 2017 refills have not yet arrived) lots of post it notes which I love. My personal and work mobiles and of course the obligatory cup of tea.

When sitting in my chair and looking to my right hand side I am greeted by this…

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It’s not much (and yes I always have the tv on something for background noise) but its home and today its home and office.

I am currently thinking of ways to blog more or at least ways to inspire myself with what to write which is my biggest issue and on top of that I also want to create additional income streams as I have a lot of dreams I want to make happen. This little corner is going to play a key role in all of that so I’m trying to make it as user friendly to me as possible.

Wish me luck with the magic that’s going to happen here!

Thanks for reading.

A x

Christmas 2016

It was a good one. I am happy. People I love are healthy and we got some great gifts. What I learned from it is:

I want to spend more time with my family

Life is not about the expense but about the moments shared

Food is my comfort, my reward, my weapon and my punishment all rolled into one

I love my people, more than they realise and I don’t show them nearly enough

I want to spend more time having adventures

I need to save money and be more organised

Did you have a good Christmas? Is Christmas something that fills you with happiness or with dread? It’s a curious time for me and mine and I try every year for it to be about my family rather than the commercialism. I’m always exhausted come the evening of Christmas day and I don’t ever feel like I’ve gotten it quite right.

I hope you were happy, are happy and are looking forward to a positive new year. Do you have any resolutions? I don’t do them per say just my life list which has helped me exponentially since I started doing it. That’s what I’m working on at the moment whilst dinner cooks and I tap this post up (my brain is whirring away, poor thing)

Happy days to you all.

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Thank you for reading.

A x

Am I failing at life?

Please excuse any bad language in this post, I feel better for saying it all so it stays.

Newsflash. I have my period. I hate it. It hurts, it makes me sad, uncomfortable and insanely hungry. I forgot my son had athletics club, I have been moany and miserable all day and I want to burst into tears at Sasha being conductor in his Christmas choir in tonight’s episode of Holby City. As I said to R, this is the price you pay for ovaries and a uterus (I know there are many that would give anything to be in my boat. That wasn’t a complaint on having a uterus and ovaries, just an observation.)

On days like today I have to ask myself, am I failing at life? I’m 34 years old and I haven’t figured out when to expect my period (PCOS you suck) which means that I was not in the slightest bit prepared this time. I now feel sick as I have eaten far too much (yet I would still gladly annihilate a family pack of crisps).

This will therefore be a ranty, rambly somewhat fractured post. That’s because that’s what happens to my mind at this time of the month. Apologies.

Firstly, if you were wondering dear reader, date night went tits up. It was nobody’s fault just a series of very poorly timed, super unfortunate events. I’m lucky, I still got to spend some much needed and wonderfully close time with R it just wasn’t at all the way either of us had planned or hoped.

I’m also shovelling 600mg of iron down my gullet everyday for the next 3 months whilst they do an iron study on me, apparently I have shitty iron stores, I think I’m broken. When I was put on iron before I felt better within a couple days but I feel even more shattered than normal. I’m thinking that this is because my starting the meds coincides with getting my period so I am seriously hoping it sorts itself out.

There’s also nearly always a day or two leading up to Christmas where I feel broken on the inside, for many very deeply personal reasons to my family. Also, there’s a part of me that compares myself to all of the Alpha mums out there when my reality is far from it. Today J called me after he’d left school. I was around 45 minutes away and he informed me that he had ‘accidentally’ jumped in a slushy mound of mud and was covered from top to toe. He wanted me to pick him up (I couldn’t as I was too far away) he’d forgotten his PE kit so had to walk home in wet muddy shoes and clothes. Was I pissed like those perfectly quaffed Alpha mums? No, I laughed my head off as I drove home. I thought how much I used to love getting muddy and that I wish I was still that carefree, plus my kid loves jumping in puddles and mud so it was ‘accidental’ my arse. My washing machine is groaning a bit now though! I got microwave curries for dinner because I couldn’t be arsed to cook the homemade curry I’d prepped, Alpha mum 1 Amy nil. But I thought fuck it, it was a toss up between home made dinner or clean school clothes for tomorrow, clean clothing and shoes won.

My body confidence is about as shit as it can be. I try to be a ‘queen’ and look at myself all lumps and bumps with compassion and kindness, you know like all those fucking gorgeous ladies on Instagram tell you to. So what do I do? I go and eat ALL the food and get the shock of seeing the 17th additional chin I’ve grown this week appear as my phone camera opens on the selfie screen unexpectedly. That being said – the other half seems to like all the lumps bumps and chins so I’m starting to get a bit more confident in the boudoir again, regardless of my own expectations of how my body should be.

Lastly, I am in weird over thinking mode which looks a little like this:

Food/school/fuck it I forgot something/exercise/work/decorating/make beds/food/bath/dog/fuck it I forgot something/bed/should I be doing something?/food/hoover/clean cooker/was I supposed to be somewhere?/bed/food/work/school/laundry/exercise/dog/fuck it I forgot something/fuck it I forgot something/fuck it I forgot something/fuck it I forgot something/fuck it I forgot something…

Right, now I’m going to cuddle my heat pack, watch trashy TV and drink some Baileys.

P.S. that’s an old picture, I couldn’t inflict my 17th chin on you all.

Thank you for reading.

A x

 

 

October in December

I haven’t written as much as I’d like lately. It’s been a mixture of things but mostly just finding it difficult in UK winter to feel as though I have time to fit in everything that I want to do. This post though is one I wanted to write in October. My bad!

My birthday in July was wonderful, my lovely R got me the amazing gift of a Lookout Lodge experience at Whipsnade zoo in Bedfordshire. With our commitments with work/friends/football and weddings we weren’t able to enjoy the fruits of this gift until mid October and wow. BEST. GIFT. EVER!

I was not disappointed, there were so many wonderful things about this experience but mostly it was, for me, the single most romantic weekend I have ever had. We went on multiple tours and fed the animals, learning about them from some fantastic guides. We took a torchlight tour of the complex and saw the animals in a way we (as mere town dwelling non zoological folk) don’t normally get to. The food was great, the lodge was comfortable, warm and in my humble opinion idyllic. For me waking up with R to the sound of lions roaring was perfection.

I couldn’t have asked for a more thoughtful gift and I will cherish it. For me, as a parent, August through to December gets a bit crazy. With back to school, Halloween, bonfire night, Joshs’ birthday and Christmas (not to mention its a particularly busy time in my industry) and I sorely miss date nights with R. We don’t live together, we are around a 30 minute drive away from one another and between work commitments, family plans and life we try to see each other for a portion of each weekend and if possible a night in the week. It’s not quite been like that for a few weeks so tomorrow night is a date night at The Snug, (a restaurant/bar in town that we haven’t tried yet) followed by the comedy club at the Apex in town. I can’t wait.

Take a look at some of my terrible pictures from Whipsnade, I hope you will enjoy- best weekend ever!

Thanks for reading.

A x

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